l have tried to be everything you wanted me to be.
l still hold your lessons within me.
For 37 yrs, l did all l was told to do.
ln work l gave as much as l could.
l was so happy when l pleased you both.
l felt secure yet fidgetty.
l worked,we saved, l put a deposit on a two bedroom flat.
l stayed in a mentally demanding job making payments on time.
l kept trying, but was falling behind.
l was too embarrassed to tell you.
l was failing, and there was no way out.
l needed something, l needed to be happy inbetween work.
Yes the 'greenman cafe' in malvern.
l shall go there after l finish my evening shift as a taxi despatcher.
lt was so pleasant.
Music, all kinds, after tenseness at work.
l got to know new ppl.
Sometimes after the cafe l would go out with them while they chilled out after working there, and just needed somewhere else to go instead of home,...just like me.
l was trying very hard to hold onto the parents disciplines, yet enjoying this new kind of lifestyle.
We started going to other places.
One of my favourite cabdrivers introduced me to Dutch Tilders, whom l had been wanting to meet since l was 27...
fate...
he introduced me, and l became a regular at every gig he did.
l was still only just holding my job at the taxi company..l really didnt want to be there, but house payments had to be made.
l started to get behind in payments.
l kept trying.
l did my job, and l did the music.
l fell into the musicians way of life.
Finally l just had to sell the flat,
and move on.
l lost my job too.
l was in two mind places...
do l keep trying and get another job, or do l take some time off and relax, and later get a job.
l was torn between, what l loved to do, which was the music, or go and try harder with the parents disciplines.
l stood very still.
l thought.
l looked backwards.
l looked forward.
l leaped out of discipline,and into the world of music.
l left everyone behind in my past,
and ran forward into my new life.
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