Good Morning...

Slowly l stir
eyes still closed
l make a move to the side of my bed
sleep persperation on said t shirt
l remove it from my body
eyes still closed.

Still breathing the sleep breathe
l reach for a dry t shirt
eyes still closed

l feel my feet
try to straighten
and bones find a balance
l open my eyes.

l wish l could see
through a huge window
fields of green
l look at blank walls.

l try to stand
balance best l can
one foot forward
then the next

the light of day
coming thru the bathroom window
makes me cringe.

l sleep walk
to the kitchen
automatically find my cup
fill it with water
from the tap
fill coffee maker

my coffee jar
is almost empty
l reach for the new one

twas a larger packet
l bought on special

awkwardly l fill said jar
l try to be tidy
still half asleep
eyes are open
just.

the coffee is perking
the smell is great
looking forward
to the first cup.

back at the kitchen bench
l sleepily fill the coffee jar
from the family pack
l miss a few times
sigh...
just keep doing it lynn
youll get there.

coffee is perked
l pour the blackness
take a sniff...
sleepily back to the bench
time for the powdered milk
l spill that too.

takes a deep breath
looks at my mess
vows to clean up later.

with coffee in hand
l walk balance to my favourite chair
sit and enjoy.

Who am l ?

lve always done people jobs.

l was always good at my jobs.
l wasnt afraid of people.
l wasnt afraid of the boss.
l was afraid of losing my job,
which happened frequently,
cos l stood up to others.
And that means the boss too.

My parents were strict,
and yet loving.

l worked for bosses until l was around 22.
l had had enough, and truelly didnt
understand why l kept being sacked.

Well, u say, it was my attitude...
of course it was, but l didnt know why
l had that attitude.
- at the time -...

Finally, my mother and l decided l could do
a driving job.
this meant working for myself.
yes, lm capable.

l worked a courier van around Melbourne for 3 yrs.
then moved onto driving a taxi around melb.
l lasted in the taxi business about 17 yrs.
then into the job on the other side - despatcher-.

this radio job lasted about seven yrs,
then computers came in and l lost my job.
( l think l kept this job a long time, cos the job
consists of telling ppl where to go....lol.)

Now l was on the dole.
l had just bought a house.
l had no job, and only welfare to keep me.
l lost the house.

l decided there and then, l wasnt going to work again.
Some of the drivers l had gotten to know while driving,
are musicians,
l started going out with them at night.

There was one singer in particular l always wanted to meet.
one of those drivers knew that person.
He (lan ferguson ) took me to the Dutch Tilders gig...

l was out and about at night with musos.

As a child l was always singing.
yes u guessed it, it was the start of my musical era.
During this time, l was slowly wearing down.
On the dole, l didnt care, and neither did anyone else.

The dr in a few yrs to come, put my on an anti depressant,
and a muscle relaxent.
l did calm down, and found that l really couldnt work,
and being the kind of person who didnt admit freely to
failure, l asked the dr if l could go on a pension.
He could see that l was just tired,and couldnt deal with things.
He kindly did allow that.

To this day, lm still on those medications.
and the pension.

l guess l just got what l call, ' peopled out '.
l dont go amongst ppl now unless l have to.

Oh god, lve Raved again, and lm not even bent.
now what was the question...oh yes...
...
Sagittarius:

You have less fear of strangers than most people and today brings you even farther out into the world! It's a great day to strike up random conversations with strangers and see where they lead.
...
My fear of ppl...yes that was the point of this rave...
l guess lm lucky lve not had a fear of ppl.
lve always been able to look after myself.
l didnt have a fear, but l have come thru life with an irritation factor.
l dont fear, l get angry, or used to.
l wouldnt know now, cos lm not out there anymore...and glad lol.

Even driving the taxi at night,
l had no fear.
lf anything, l cared for the ppl in my taxi..
strange hey.
l had a following of ppl who only wanted me.
they said l was 'more human?'

Anyway, to this day, l dont have a fear of ppl.
l do have a fear of losing the roof over my head,
and my wheels is all...

l guess the moral of the story is ..
do not fear, get angry?
no?
yes?
well how about , dont get angry , get even.?
no yes.
none of the above...
l just plodded along being natural.

Crumbs in my Bellybutton.

l sit
crumbs in my bellybutton
has life come to this
sitting half naked in front of the screen
drink
l do not
smoke
l do not
messy l have become
shakes shirt to free a mess to the floor
coffee
out of the same mug
not a mug
a shaker
a shaker with a lost lid
not attractive
sits
heater blowing
listens to outside noise
a boy bouncing a ball
cars coming and going
birds flying past
yelling
listens to abc classic radio
wipes crumbs from face
they fall to the floor
the clock says four pm
the sun is behind me
l see the reflexion on the screen
l should be out there
lm not
lm sitting here
listening to opera singers
sound
the heater fan so loud
feet cold
need water over me
need clean clothes
need to start the day
yesterday
wore me out
l must push forward
l hurt
order order
l mentally slap
has it come to this
surrounded by dust
l crave a big garden just for me
a box is where l am
need to mentally expand
l should drive to the beach
there my mind can stretch
only to come back to the dusty box
l rock
in a fetal position
l hold my head
coffees almost done
stale bread
vegemite
heater fan sound too loud
earplugs day
turns up abc
to drown out noise
books stacked
must be read
dust dust dust
cold feet
water
silent scream
inside my box
red and green
green and red
hahahaha
christmas all year round
l lay back
rest my head
close my eyes
stretch my cold legs
darkness
sweet darkness
l dream
for just a minute
relief
a harp plays on abc
dark harp
so sweet
so soothing
l brush crumbs
to the floor
my order is different
where has the old order gone
set in my ways
crumbs are wrong
on the floor
there are no birds
to pick them up
a pressure
living in a box
so much to do
too close
closes eyes
sits in a field
breathes
tension releases
astral
l watch me
sitting
so much space
so quiet
no heater or cars
or children bouncing balls
the harp plays on
coffee has set in
lm awake
lm fed once again
will tomorrow be the same

Astral.

l can rise from small places.
above and hover.
l can expand my mind into larger places.
l can fly over all.

l bless the place of sleep.
l can make contact better
when in bed under warm blankets
in darkness.

blessed is the food l eat.
for it's energy
helps me to be in contact with you.